


Of Parrots and Gems

by tsun_don_t_you_dere



Category: South Park
Genre: Kenny is... an angry man, M/M, Pirate AU, k2challenge18, kyle is too, lots of cussing (because they're pirates), ok wtf is happening to the order of my tags, rip stan and cartman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 01:31:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15037760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsun_don_t_you_dere/pseuds/tsun_don_t_you_dere
Summary: For Townycod13's K2 challenge using the "pirate au" prompt!Two angry pirates start to fall in love.





	Of Parrots and Gems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Townycod13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Townycod13/gifts).



> I have no idea why the pirate prompt inspired me the most but I rolled with it

                Kenny shoved the sword all the way through Stan’s chest, jerking it up and then out to make sure he was dead. Stan fell to the ground, literally deadweight, and blood immediately began to seep out of him and into the floorboards.

                _That’s gonna leave a stain,_ Kenny thought, kicking Stan’s body to check just one more time that he was definitely dead. No response from him. Those floorboards always sucked up blood like plants suck up water.

                He then turned on his heel, wiping a bit of blood off on his jacket that had splashed up on his hand. “What a pussy.”

                His second-in-command, Leopold, stood up straight as he turned. “Uh, c-captain, do you want me to clean up-“

                “Leave the body there, Leo, just as it is. Let it be a message to the rest of that wimp’s crew who their new leader is.” Kenny sheathed his sword. “These wet noodles actually think they’re pirates- They don’t know a single damn thing.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

                “Oh my g-god, I think they killed the captain!” Tweek whispered loudly, his voice cracking.

                “Those bastards!” Kyle hissed between gritted teeth. “I’m going to chop up that cocky son-of-a-bitch for this.”

                Craig ratted the bars of their prison cell, his chains rattling as well. “Wonder how long they’re gonna keep us in here. Also, why do I get chains but you guys get ropes?”

                “Probably ‘cuz you fought back the most. You stabbed that one fat pirate who had the weird raccoon mask, which seemed to freak the whole crew out,” Token suggested.

                “I fought more than anyone!” Kyle said, angrily.

                “Yeah, but you’re n-not nearly as- GAH! Strong or s-scary as Craig is.” Tweek twitched even more than usual, the stress making him even more of a mess.

                The man guarding the cell turned around and tapped his sword against the cage. “Shut up, will ya? And stop touchin’ the damn bars or I’ll cut off your piggy little fingers.”

                Craig looked immensely offended but said nothing, backing away from him.

                “You shut up, you prick! Let us the fuck out so we can fight like men! Only pussies keep prisoners!” Kyle sat up, spitting the words out furiously. “Fighting to the death is the noblest way to go, not rotting away in a cage! _You filthy, cock-sucking asshole!_ ”

                This seemed to really piss off the guard and sure enough, he unlocked the cage, but he kicked the writhing Kyle away from the door and instead gagged him. “That should shut him up for a while.”

                The gag did not, in fact, shut Kyle up. The seething redhead settled for screaming through his nose instead.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….........

                Kenny paced back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. “Shit, these guys are much bigger of a deal than I thought.”

                “Y-Yeah, there’s a fleet of ships comin’ to get ‘em.” Butters tapped his knuckles together nervously. “What’re we go-gonna do, Capt’n?

                He stopped pacing, staring out at the sea. “We can take those ships. Only two of them have cannons.”

                “B-But we already have a casualty, sir. I don’t know how many more crew members w-we can afford to lose.”

                “It was Eric, Leo. Are you really upset that an asshole like him died?”

                “W-Well, kinda. He was my friend, after all, no matter h-how mean.” His eyes darted around the room and he hung his head, almost looking ashamed.

                Kenny sighed. “Go get a report on how the prisoners are doing. We need to know how they figured out we have the gems.”

                Butters nodded and saluted him, hurrying out of the room.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

                Clyde screamed. “Get it off! Get it off!”

                “It” was Kyle, who had earlier chewed through the gag and somehow gotten out of his ropes, and now had latched himself onto poor Clyde’s leg. Clyde had gone into the cell to re-gag the wild daywalker.

                “Oh h-hamburgers!” Butters stepped back from the cage, watching his frantic crewmate burst into tears as Kyle sank his teeth into his leg.

                The rest of the prisoners were whooping and cheering Kyle on.

                Butters turned tail and sprinted back to tell the captain.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

                _Click. Clack. Click._ Kenny’s boots made this noise as he walked down the hall ominously, towards the prisoners.

                A crowd had gathered at the cell as everyone watched Kyle totally demolish the sobbing Clyde.

                All hushed as Kenny approached, however, (even Kyle) and all heads turned to look at the one-legged captain.

                “What the actual fuck is going on here?” he spat. “What are you damn picaroons doing just standing there and watching? Get your asses out of here before I throw you in there too!”

                Almost immediately everyone cleared out and Kenny opened the cell, stepping inside and slamming the door shut behind him. Kyle snapped out of his momentary fear and lunged for him, reaching for Kenny’s sword.

                Kenny grabbed it faster, drawing it and stepping out of the way so Kyle crashed into the bars. He pressed it up against the back of Kyle’s neck, forcing him to keep his face pressed up against the bars. Kenny nodded at Clyde and Clyde whimpered, limping away from the cage like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs.

                “Who are you?” the captain demanded. “And how did you get out of your ropes?”

                “Kyle Broflovski,” he growled. “And why the hell would I tell you that?”

                Kenny dragged the sword down Kyle’s back slowly, stopping it at the bottom of his spinal cord and pressing it there. “Because if you don’t, I’ll just sever this and make sure you definitely can’t get out of your ropes again.”

                Kyle gulped. “I chewed threw them.”

                “Turn around.” Kenny pulled the sword back enough to allow room. “I like to see the faces of pesky little rats before I slice them up.”

                “No! L-Leave him alone!” Tweek cried out. Craig pulled him back and shushed him.

                Kenny turned around to look at Tweek and grinned. “Oh, I will. Once I’m finished. And now you’re next on the list.”

                Kyle used the moment of distraction to kick the sword out of Kenny’s hands, grabbing it and stabbing it through Kenny’s leg.

                Kenny cried out, collapsing and clutching his leg as Kyle pulled it out.

“You’re a dumbass,” Kyle said, looking proud of himself.

                Kenny grit his teeth and glared at Kyle. His grimace suddenly turned up into a smile. “Am I now?”

                He stood up without trouble and grabbed the sword by the blade, yanking it out of the surprised Jew’s hands and flipping it around. “I’m the one with the peg-leg and fake hand.”

                “Shit,” Kyle muttered, backing up against the wall.

                “Now for-“ Kenny’s voice leaped to a jarringly high note and faltered as he finally got a good look at his opponent’s face.

                He had noticed the boy’s wild red curls before, but hadn’t realized how well they framed his face, tumbling over his head and suiting him perfectly. He was gorgeous, freckles dusting his nose like seasoning on a dish, the most delicious dish Kenny had ever seen. All of his features were sharp and pristine, although his doll-like face was scratched and bruised. His eyes were a piercing green, the kind that made Kenny’s heart leap into his shoes and made his knees weak.

                “Fuck,” he whispered, lowering the sword to Kyle’s gut.

                Kyle’s eyes flicked around like flies, searching for an explanation for the sudden change.

                “Uh...” Kenny fumbled, trying to keep his menacing demeanor but failing completely. “I-I think I’ll kill you later… After grinding s-some sense into you.” Crap, did he say grinding? That sounded wrong, didn’t it? He panicked and stuttered, trying to recover but unable to think of a way to. “Leo, fuck, help me tie him back up and w-we’ll bring him to the, uh, interrogation room.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………....

                At some point someone had gotten tired of his writhing and screaming and just whacked Kyle over the back of the head. He immediately passed out and Leopold easily tied him up.

                Kyle woke up with a head-splitting headache, tied up in a chair.

                “He’s awake,” Butters said, fiddling with the eyepatch that covered his scarred eye.

                Kenny closed the book he had been reading and handed it to him. “You’re dismissed, Leo.”

                “Y-Yes sir.” Leo quickly exited, saluting as he went.

                Kenny walked up to Kyle, taking a deep breath and willing away the blush that had already started to creep up his neck.

                “What was that? Earlier?” Kyle eyed him, looking skeptical.

                “Doesn’t matter.” He stepped forward. “I’m assuming you’re second-in-command to that emo guy I killed earlier.”

                He shook his head. “No. He made his girlfriend second-in-command. Bitch managed to escape and high-tailed it out of here, screwing the rest of us over.”

                “Oh.” Kenny hadn’t planned this far ahead and was at a loss for words. “Um…” Why did they even need the prisoners again? “Oh, uh, how’d you guys know we had the gems?”

                “Gems? What gems?” Kyle acted naïve. He was a terrible actor.

                Kenny took another step forward. “The ones you were looking for down on the lower deck before we caught you.”

                “I don’t know what you’re talking about, matey.”

                He bit his lip, his heart skipping a beat. “M-Matey?” Kenny cursed himself. He hadn’t meant to say it like that. He sounded like a flirty teenage girl playing dumb.

                “Yeah,” Kyle said, lowering his voice to a seductive growl. “ _Matey_.”

                Kenny’s breath hitched. He was really bad at this. He gulped, his mind racing to all sorts of inappropriate scenarios this could lead to.

                Kyle leaned forward, his face now inches from Kenny’s. “C’mon, let’s have some fun.”

                Kenny’s face flushed red and he stumbled back. “What?” he squeaked. “Shut up!”

                The captive threw his head back and laughed. “Wow, you’re gay.”

                The captain scowled at him. “Stop messin’ with me and just tell me how you knew.”

                “You know your parrot?” Kyle said.

                Kenny nodded. “Wait, you lads found it?”

                “Yeah. It kept repeating, ‘Capt’n Ken has the gems! The magic gems!’ We just figured it out from there.”

                He could tell Kyle wasn’t lying. “You’re smarter than you act.”

                “Thanks.” He flashed Kenny a one-hundred dollar smile.

                Kenny flashed him a crooked grin in response. “What would you do if I untied you?”

                “Either kiss you or kill you. Honestly don’t know which yet.”

                Kenny pursed his lips, thinking for a moment. “I’m willing to take the chance.”

                               

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! :)
> 
> i don't know why but i thought of 'matey' as a pirate equivalent of 'baby' and thought it was hilarious?? whatevs
> 
> maybe I'll add more to this one day. who knows


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